My thoughts this morning have been on perfection and how it truly is my enemy in life. The reason I started thinking about it this morning is because my youngest decided right before we walked out the door for school that he wanted a "Cat in the Hat" costume rather than just wearing the hat he had said he would wear. I specifically asked him about a costume multiple times yesterday and he said just the hat was ok. So, this morning I was unprepared. I had no ribbon, no fabric and so I quickly cut a red tie and a white belly out of construction paper and taped it to his black shirt. It was the best I could do in literally 5 minutes. I found myself almost in tears after I dropped him off this morning because it wasn't perfect. The "I am not a perfect mom guilt" gets to me a lot and that was one of those moments. I told my self to shake it off and it is ok. He thought it was great and that is all that matters.
This got me thinking about how perfection has held me back in so many areas of my life. To look at me you wouldn't call me a perfectionist. I'm not always pulled together, in fact most of the time you will see me in workout clothes with my hair in a ponytail. What you don't see is the fact that I continuously beat myself up over my lack of perfection. I can't tell you the number of times I have stood in my closet and bawled my eyes out because I didn't have the perfect thing to wear to something. It isn't out of greed and I don't feel like I need more clothing. It is more that I don't look "perfect" or well pulled together if that makes sense. This happened almost daily when I was heavier. I have actually cancelled going places over not feeling comfortable with what I had to wear. While I am confessing, I have missed multiple functions over clothing, not the perfect gift or even the perfect food to carry to things such as baby showers, bunco or any other get together. I am not hospitable and I don't invite people over regularly not because I don't want them here, it is because I am too worried that my house is not perfect and what will I feed them if it is at a meal time.
I remember as a teenager especially I would feel very awkward going into a new place such as a store or restaurant because I was afraid I would do something the wrong way and I wouldn't be "perfect" and people would notice. I remember Ken and I having discussions about this and me crying over being nervous when we would go somewhere new to eat on our dates. Even now I have to ask the Lord for strength and courage to go into new places at times. Some days it doesn't bother me but some days it is a true struggle. I don't like calling people on the phone because I am afraid there will be silence and I won't have the right thing to say. I don't volunteer to do certain things because I am afraid I won't know how to do them "perfectly" and someone might make fun of me because of it.
God is working on me in these areas. It took a LOT of courage on my part for me teach fitness classes at my church. I was incredibly nervous and scared that I wouldn't do it "perfectly". I still get nervous when a new person comes in class.
So, what exactly is perfection? Webster defines it as "freedom from fault or defect; flawless". I am certainly not without fault or defect but you know what the only person who is flawless is Jesus. I am so thankful that I can lean on him and cry out to him when I feel overwhelmed by my lack of perfection.
